I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
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Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.