I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”