I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.