Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.