I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Nothing to do, you say?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.