I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
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Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.