I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

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Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.


How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?


How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.


“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones


Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.


“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.


Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.


Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.


A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.