I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
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Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..