@omgshuddup

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

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@Cornjerker78

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

@6to12elbow

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

@i_noted

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

@Elizasoul80

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

@iheartgunts

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

@NYC_Blonde

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

@badbanana

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

@amishschool

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.