I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
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I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.