i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
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Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
emergency phone
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots