I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
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[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life