I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

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Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*


Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.


why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”


Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.


there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy


Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.


Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.


Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…


[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!


Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.