I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.