I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
You Might Also Like
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
wishing you and yours all the best
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order