I have a new favorite meme page
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[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.