@H0TMessBarbie

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

@VirgoSherry

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

@donniepeeler

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

@meganamram

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

@dresspants

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

@TylerLinkin

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

@1Happytwit

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

@tastefactory

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

@GrantTanaka

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”