I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.