I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.