“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
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[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*