“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
You Might Also Like
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.