I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
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I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
So that’s what we looked like?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
this is literally a CIA plant
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.