I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
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Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I need this for my side hustle.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning