I have a place for everything. The floor.
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.