“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
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That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Oh. My. God.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”