I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
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It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out