God: your name is Owl.
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
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Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”