I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

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Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.


I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game


My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.


There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.


The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.


I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.


“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means