I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

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God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )



God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?


Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely


I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.


A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”


No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.


Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.


me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull


Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”


Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.



Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”