I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.