I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
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poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.