I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
You Might Also Like
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Happy weekend !
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.