@MattMelvin

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

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@_wangwe

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

@carlyken

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

@quantumsleep22

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

@ColoradoUgly

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

@Reverend_Scott

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”