I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time