I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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Me irl
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I’ll be mad as hell!
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.