I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
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Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Anime is real
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”