I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
You Might Also Like
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
This guy gets it.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.