I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
is this store having a stroke wtf
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.