I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
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[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.