I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
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Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it