I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
You Might Also Like
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
What a website
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
