I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
When I snag the last meatball.
Check your privilege
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Covid like
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.