I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
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*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Ironic
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Aaaa…CHOO!
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.