I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Everyone’s family