@sparklecunt_

I have a type: disappointing

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@chrisscarlette

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

@Playing_Dad

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

@13spencer

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

@Demented_Jokes

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

@EndhooS

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

@BGH70

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

@simoncholland

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

@briangaar

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

@MNateShyamalan

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”