I have a type: disappointing
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I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]