*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I have a type: disappointing
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Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”