I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
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Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery