I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Don’t tell me what to do
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]