I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
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When I pack too much for a short trip.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.