I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
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Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Battery falling down a hole
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I have a new favorite meme page
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?