I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
A wise man once said nothing.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.