I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
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Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
What number SPF blocks people?
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.