I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
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gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Has science gone too far?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
*pokes sex life with a stick
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.