I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
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How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure