I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.