I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I am crying
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.