I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
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me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Happy Halloween 🎃
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.