I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab