I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
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What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
i鈥檓 getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they鈥檙e like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you鈥檙e 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
how to have fun when you鈥檙e poor
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Wife: You鈥檙e lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 馃槀馃ぃ
Worst perfume name ever.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I don鈥檛 care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I鈥檝e forgiven myself. I鈥檓 not paying them
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I鈥檓 just wondering why I didn鈥檛 think of that first
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You鈥檒l note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
馃槀馃槀
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy