I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I hope Alan is OK
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?