I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
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Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.