I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Had an epiphany today.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
So that’s what we looked like?
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day